Vi's Views

Setting Limits with Young Children

Some parents have difficulty being consistent when it comes to setting limits and being consistent when it comes to saying no.
Many times a power struggle develops, the parent becomes angry and the child becomes frustrated. This often occurs at mealtime and bedtime or late in the day when both parent and child are tired.
One of the most important parenting skills is to learn is consistency. That means when you set a rule "STICK TO IT" as much as possible.
For example, you're in the grocery store, your three year old wants to eat the cookies that you bought for after dinner. Your rule is that you eat cookies after you have finished dinner. If you allow him/her to eat the cookies "just this one time", you are in for more whining and crying the next time you say no to something. Children are very strong willed and learn quickly that if they persist long enough they will get what they want. That is, in the child's mind, if the parent can be talked into it this one time, maybe next time if I cry long enough, they will give in again. On the other hand, if every time the child asks to eat the cookies in the store, and is told (in a calm, respectful voice) No, they are for after dinner, he/she will soon learn it does no good to whine, coerce or throw a tantrum. It may take a few times for them to recognize this!
Another time power struggles may occur is when it's time to leave the playground. Give a warning, "one more time down the slide and then we are leaving". After the child goes down the slide once more, be consistent and keep your word by leaving the playground. Do not stand and talk to a friend for five minutes, or allow the child to continue to play on other toys.
Consistency will help you when your child is age 15 and you say to be home at a certain time. They will have learned that if you say 9 o'clock you mean 9 o'clock, not 9:30 or 10:00. They will know their parent is the one in charge.They will have learned they have parents who keep their word. Consistency also makes for security in children because they know what to expect.
So, next time your little one whines and melts down because he/she doesn't want to follow parents guidance, know that you are not being mean, you are being consistent.

Parenting During or After Divorce

Parents, the research shows that the most damaging thing parents can do to children during a divorce is to keep the conflict going. Children love both parents and are part of both of you. So, the very best gift you can give to your children is the gift of parenting with the other parent in a manner that is respectful.
Children must adjust to a divorce just as the divorcing couple must create a new life. If you can resolve disagreements with the other parent in a way that allows the children to love both parents, you will be helping your children to become more secure, self confident adults.
Parents make the mistake of believing that since you are a good parent in an intact family, you will be a good parent in a divorced family.
Please, set your feelings aside and create an atmosphere for your children that is one without arguments, (in front of them), an atmosphere that doesn't criticize or put down the other parent, and an atmosphere that is one of respect. You owe this to your children.

For more information visit www.southbaytherapist.com or call (310) 373-7994.